Is dating single mothers really a bad idea in general?
In general, yes, dating single mothers is a bad idea. Compared to single ladies, they bring more risks, fewer rewards, and more drama to your life. You’re not just dating her; you’re also dating her kids and the baby daddy(s).
A lot, if only some of their kids are well-behaved. Be ready for tantrums, “You can’t make me do that; you’re not my dad”, and Mothers who always take the kid’s side in any disagreement. Often, the dating schedule revolves around shared custody arrangements, and the kids can have their own opinions and agenda regarding the new guy in mom’s life. When you have an eight-year-old still sleeping in your mom’s bed, it complicates your romance.
Additionally, a lot of single mothers are not looking for a boyfriend or husband as much as someone to pay the bills for that other dude’s kid. They’ll look for guys who own their own house and will try to move in as quickly as possible. This brings its risks.
There have been cases in Canada and some in the U.S. States where guys who never married single moms and never adopted their kids got hit with child support after living together for only a few years. The courts ruled he was providing “substantial” support for the kids, so after the break, he got hit with child support until they turned 18.
Why is the Victorian era often portrayed as dark boring, and gloomy
For these reasons, the default advice is not to date single mothers. For guys open to dating single mothers, here are my recommendations to mitigate these issues:
- The kid(s) no older than 4.
- The Baby daddies are out of the picture.
- She wants to have more kids with you, or you can’t have but want kids.
- She gives you full authority and her full support in disciplining the kid(s)
- She’s smoking hot and intelligent.
- She has no other significant red flags.
To further expand upon the reasons for such a low age limitation, the kids, by the time they are eight years old, 80%+ of their personality is set. So, after this age, the stepdad can only have a marginal effect on shaping them as an adult.
By then, most of the damage is already done, and growing them into the type of stepkid you’ve been proud to call your own is significantly more difficult. If a man’s going to take on this challenge, the younger, the better. Teach them right until age eight, and rest is pretty easy.
If you don’t get them early, here are a few statistics to give you an idea of what kind of kids you can expect to deal with:
“The strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that a single parent raised them”. C.C. Harper and S.S. McLanahan, “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration”, Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Assoc., San Francisco, CA, 1998
“After controlling for single motherhood, the difference between black and white crime rates disappeared.” Progressive Policy Institute, 1990, quoted by David Blankenhorn, “Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem,” New York, Harper Perennial, 1996, p.31
It is an important finding. In the U.S., on a per-person basis, blacks commit 10x the number of murders as whites, but control for single mothers, and that difference completely goes away.
“Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced.” Wade Horn, “Why There Is No Substitute For Parents”, IMPRIMIS 26, No.6, June 1997
70% of teen births occur to girls in single-mother homes. David T. Lykken, “Reconstructing Fathers”, American Psychologist 55, 681,681, 2000
70% of drop-outs and 70% of teen suicides come from single-mother homes. Wade Horn, “Why There Is No Substitute For Parents,” IMPRIMIS 26, N0. 6, June 1997
70% of runaways, 70% of juvenile delinquents, and 70% of Child murderers come from single-mother homes. Richard E. Redding, “It’s Really About Sex”, Duke Univ. Journal of Gender Law and Policy, Jan.1, 2008
Of course, every situation is unique. For some men, the psychologically balanced, pleasant single mother might be their best option. Some are wonderful ladies, but they present additional variables that men should consider very carefully.
Best of Luck.
Why do single men without children go on dates with single mothers and then tell them after the date that they don’t want to date someone with kids?
Single guy, no kids, 40 years old here. I’m up for dating single mothers, but you don’t always know what you are going to get. I’m at an age where it is likely that one woman will have toddlers, and it is just as likely the next one will have a son in college!
So, I would not tell somebody that I’m open to dating single mothers and then turn around and tell them I don’t (that is confusing for sure). I do tell them that I’m open to dating single mothers in general. More opportunities to meet more people this way. Then, after we go out a few times (or even once), I learn more about the sort of baggage their kids carry. There is always some baggage.
How involved is the father? Are they in the middle of a custody battle? Does her family help her? How much time do her children take up in her life? Everybody is different, and that affects how much time and energy I’m willing to dedicate to the relationship.
Once I have that information, I can decide what works for me because it’s definitely not one size fits all. Situations can be so different.
Is dating single mothers really a bad idea in general?
Example: Imagine going out with a single mom who has a great job, has two boys between the ages of 2 and 5, and has an excellent relationship with her ex-husband. He takes care of the kids while she is out on dates with me. She can rely on her family when he isn’t available. The kids are nice and well-adjusted. It is the perfect scenario!
Ok, now imagine I go out with a single mom, and during our first date, she gets three calls from the babysitter saying her kids are acting up. I find out the three kids are all from different fathers, and one of those fathers is the jealous type who wants back in her life or wants to steal custody from her. The other two don’t know they have children.
While on the date, I also find out that her family has disowned her, and she cannot hold a steady job because of all of this drama. Even though I may really like her, this is a bunch of stuff I don’t want to have to deal with (and trust me, it’s out there!).
So, while I am open to dating single moms in general, there are so many varieties of single moms that it will seem like I’m saying yes and then no. Really, I have evaluated our potential and my own needs, and I don’t like her situation.
Why is it hard for some single mothers to date guys who do not have kids?
Because, generally speaking, a single man doesn’t want to raise another man’s child when he could have his own. Having to deal with an A-hole ex-husband potentially. Or having to be stuck paying expenses that the children incur. You also add the lack of intimacy in there with the fact most single moms don’t want more kids, and then the stepdad/boyfriend has no say over the kids yet has to deal with whatever comes his way.
From the outside looking in, it looks like the single man is ONLY there for her and her kids, not the other way around. And I don’t blame the single mothers because they should put the children first, but for a single guy dating/marrying a single mother, he’s going to have to sacrifice a lot more than he can potentially gain.
What I find so interesting is that single mothers are so “gun-ho” on a single man, but for whatever reason, cancel out the idea of dating another single father. And I hate how the perception is that if a single man doesn’t want a single mom, he isn’t “mature yet.” It just means he wants his own family, not to adopt a family; it is what it is.
Is dating single mothers really a bad idea in general?
As a single father, do you think I pout about single women not wanting to date me? No, I accept the reality that this isn’t for everybody. I think single moms have spent a lot of their lives being sought after by men, and then when they become single moms, it changes the number of guys they may be interested in, and some of them do not take this well.
Which is why you ask this question here. I’m not saying lower your standards but be realistic, and you know how I know you’re not being realistic? Because you’re trying to filter guys out by finding a “single man.” Most single men aren’t going to be ready to jump in on a ready-made family; the thing that makes men good fathers and supporters is growing with the child and mother.
If you expect the average single guy to come in and know how to deal with your three kids, then you have another thing coming. Most men learn how to be fathers and supporters by watching and growing with that process from the beginning.
When you get these single guys who come in when your kids have met a certain age, they have this huge ego that gives them a hero complex, which is never good. So take what you want from this, but these questions are so silly, and if you want to find a GOOD MAN, stop laying a heavy filter on your search efforts.
Why is it hard for some single mothers to date guys who do not have kids?
1. Single mom= car over 100k. Not good long-term.
2. There is a possibility of an angry dad looking to nail you.
3. Possibility of kids lying to you.
4. She might be bitter
5. She might need better credit and debt.
6. She might be seriously overweight due to kids.
7. Who wants another man’s leftovers?
8. I only want to pay for my kids.
9. Too costly
10. I want to be the first to get her pregnant.
11. You’re time isn’t all mine.
12. I can do better
13. Drama free
Why do single men without children go on dates with single mothers and then tell her after the date that they don’t want to date someone with kids?
I’m 43, very successfully self-employed in the art world, divorced without any children, and have thus far been in two short to medium-term relationships with single mothers.
Generally, I don’t care whether my future partner already has children or not, as long as she is happy to also have at least one child of our own at some point in time.
However, having dated several single mothers over the years, I have come to realise why dating single mothers is more of a liability and headache than anything else.
In no particular order, but most single mothers I’ve dated:
- They won’t stop droning on about how hard their life as a single mother is.
- They won’t stop droning on about how lovely and gifted their children are, even though their children are, of course, completely normal.
- Are generally too exhausted to make a good impression on a first, second or even third date.
- Will try and convince me the father of their child(ren) is a really great father, which then begs the question of why they broke up in the first place (usually it transpires the woman broke up with the father because she got bored in the relationship, not because the father of her children was somehow nasty towards her or their children).
- Will expect me to treat them like royalty on dates while they fail to put even a fraction of effort into the date.
- Will use their children as an excuse whenever it suits them.
- Expect me always to make time to comfort them whenever being a single mother gets too much for them, but constantly give me the cold shoulder should I actually require a listening ear once in a blue moon.
- Frequently want and ask me to play the role of the father with their children by taking them to or picking them up from Kindergarten or school, reading or telling nice bedtime stories or taking them to the playground or children’s theatre, etc., but then snap and bark at me should I dare politely tell their children to eat up what’s on their dinner plate, help set and clear the dinner table, do the dishes, take out the rubbish or stop playing computer games and instead do their homework.
- Will insist I always have to make an extra effort for them because, due to being a single mother, they always feel the need to make an extra effort for their children.
- Will frequently cancel weekends or other prearranged plans because they feel guilty about leaving their children with their grandparents or biological father.
- Will often behave like ungrateful and spoilt princesses with totally exaggerated expectation levels because they seriously expect their date and potential future partner to be an instant and significant upgrade from the father of their children in order to justify to themselves that splitting up with the apparently really great father of their children and becoming a single mother was the right decision all along.
- Will frequently take for granted empathy, goodwill, kindness, and loving gestures without giving anything in return.
- Will frequently take out their frustrations on their date and relationship because they are too exhausted or proud to accept a bit of genuine and well-intended help.
- Will often take out of the date and relationship without giving and investing anything in return.
- Will frequently only ask me questions but refuse and deflect from giving any answers of her own.
- Will want to date or lead a relationship as if it is some slightly more intimate “friends with benefits” arrangement.
- Can, more often than not, be rather negative and frustrated, preferring to focus on what isn’t good about their current life as single mothers instead of simply being grateful and happy about having found a potentially great new partner.
The vast majority of single mothers need to understand they come pre-loaded with more unattractive downsides than upsides for a man who is interested in a genuinely loving, understanding, and caring relationship. It’s really as simple as all that.
PS: Before any single mother or anybody else tries to “educate” me that all of the above is somehow my fault, three very good friends of mine who are rather self-critical single mothers agree with my assessment.
I became a single mom, and good men got scarce. Do I really have to lower my standards to land a good man?
To start, I’m assuming by “good men”, you mean something like “men I would be interested in who would treat me and my kids well.” There are a few concerns to be raised with this:
- You’ve Implicitly Added New Criteria Since You Were Single: Whatever you were interested in finding in a man before, well, now you’re looking for that AND someone who is going to be good with your family. At the absolute maximum, the number of men satisfying both of these criteria is the same as the number of men matching either one independently. The reality is that the number of men matching both is going to be much smaller than the number of men satisfying your standards before you had children. Your dating pool has massively shrunk.
- He’s Not Just Dating You, and He’s Dating Your Family: Dating a single mother is a large up-front commitment. If a guy is not ready to be a father, then taking on that level of pressure is a pretty tall ask. Even if you go out of your way to make it clear to him that you want to respect space and you don’t want to pressure him and rush anything, it’s still not just you. It’s his friends, his parents, your friends, your parents, and all of society putting the demand on him to man up. It’s much easier for most guys to absolve themselves of that stigma by simply not placing themselves in that position in the first place.
- He Knows He Can’t and Shouldn’t Be Your Top Priority: Your kids should be your top priority, and every good and reasonable man knows that. However, unless he has bigger priorities than you, he’ll know that he’d be in a fundamentally lopsided relationship, and there’s no fair solution for you, him, or your children.
- Your Situation May Inspire Doubt: To the point of treating you and your kids well, consider the “good man’s” point of view. If he’s considerate enough to take care of you and your children, then he probably wants a serious relationship. When considering if you’re relationship material, he’ll have to ask himself, ‘If it didn’t work out with the father, why would it work out with us?’ and unfortunately for you, every obvious answer is a red flag. It’s most commonly one of:
- It’s your fault. You cut a good man out of your life for reasons unknown. This inspires doubt in loyalty.
- It’s your exes’ fault. You exercised poor judgment in having a child with a man who frankly shouldn’t have been worth your time. This inspires doubt in your judgement.
- You are a widow. In this case, he has no reason to doubt your relationship goals, interpersonal skills, or personal judgement. However, this case still invites the insecurity that he’s just occupying a dead man’s shoes.
- Other cases: there’s plenty of them. Some offer better optics, but the above is going to be the first thoughts that come to the average relationship-oriented guy’s mind. At the very minimum, a large portion of guys will see these doubts, and it will have a non-zero impact on whether they consider a relationship a possibility. If one was exceptionally interested in you, then he might ignore these doubts, but..
- Other Women Probably Want Him: Going back to the point of attraction. You want him. The idea that someone is or is not ‘your type’ has largely been discredited by psychology. Most people are broadly attracted to the same physical traits. If this is a guy that you’re interested in, there are very good odds that you’re not the only one interested. Do you assume that you’re the best option from his perspective? Even if the concerns raised in the previous point do not so much as phase him.
- He Has More Appealing Options: Given that others are interested in him, there are almost certainly other women of attractiveness equal (or even exceeding) yours. If your standards haven’t changed at all following becoming a single mother, then the implication is that you would have been attracted to him before you had kids. Imagine you as you are now competing with the version of you who didn’t have children and doesn’t come with baggage. Unfortunately, that will rarely work in your favour.
Factoring for all that.
You’re seeking an attractive, family-oriented man who believes that a woman with a family is an equally or more appealing option than the same woman without children. Any guy matching this description either (1)comes with kids of his own or, if childless, is (2)hiding something massively toxic (personality, personal history, otherwise).
If you are more comfortable being alone than with lowering your standards, then I wholeheartedly endorse that you keep your standards where they are. However, when loneliness stings, you need to understand that it is a choice you are electing and something that only you can do anything about.
Everyone is going to sugarcoat it, but the reality is that you’re going to have to either compromise on old standards or new standards if you want your dating pool to be the same size it once was.
Considering that your kids are a new priority and should be your priority, it makes more sense to compromise on those old standards. However, it adds little to their livelihood to be raised by parental figures in a toxic relationship. What you want needs to be a priority, but only when it’s good for them.
Why do single men without children go on dates with single mothers and then tell her after the date that they don’t want to date someone with kids?
Originally Answered: Why do single men without children go on a date with single mothers, then tell her after the date that he doesn’t want to date someone with kids?
I once dated a man who was recently divorced and had two little girls. He was very kind to me, and when I was with him, he was a pure gentleman through and through. The dates he planned were elaborate, and he liked introducing me to his friends. He was very attractive and loved being active. He checked off all the boxes in what I was looking for in a partner; we got along great.
But after about a month of going on dates and having fun together, there was a pattern throughout the week that we fell into. 2–3 days out of the week, he was out of touch, and I could not see him. In those days, he had custody of his daughters, and as the good father that he was, he spent every minute with them.
Is dating single mothers really a bad idea in general?
Now, I knew beforehand that he had children. I thought that I had no problem with it, but you know what, deep down, I did! I didn’t like that at 23, I had a boyfriend who half the time could not give me his undivided attention, or that at the drop of a hat, we couldn’t take a weekend getaway or see a movie, or that I had to coordinate our schedule around his parental obligations.
But being in this relationship meant that I HAD to be okay with that; I wasn’t about to tell this wonderful person he couldn’t see his children or give them what they needed because of me. So I had to tell him after almost a month of dating that I didn’t want to be with a man with kids. It was something I didn’t realize until I learned more about the situation I was going to be putting myself in.
So, I respectfully ended it, and even though he was hurt and upset that I couldn’t compromise or overlook the fact that he had children, I made him swear to me that he would never put a woman before them.
A man who went on a date with you knowing in advance that you have children may not realize that’s not what he wants until he gets to know you and your situation better. Maybe he saw the sparkle in your eye when you talked about them and realized he didn’t want to compete for your love and attention.
Is dating single mothers really a bad idea in general?